Republicans Release New Health Plan, And We’re All Going To Die

Republicans Release New Health Plan, And We’re All Going To Die


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW”.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT’S FINALLY HERE. AFTER SIX YEARS OF TRYING, LAST
NIGHT THE REPUBLICANS FINALLY UNVEILED THEIR HEALTHCARE PLAN. THEN, OUT OF FORCE OF HABIT,
THEY VOTED TO REPEAL IT. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THERE ARE SOME THINGS THERE ARE SOME THINGS THEY’RE
KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE: KIDS STAYING ON THEIR PARENTS’
HEALTHCARE UNTIL THEY’RE 26. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
INSURANCE COMPANIES CAN’T DISCRIMINATE BECAUSE OF
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GRANDMA WILL STILL BE MURDERED BY DEATH PANELS WHILE NANCY
PELOSI CACKLES FROM HER SKYBOX.>>Audience: BOOO!>>Stephen: NO CHEER FOR THAT? OKAY. OH, THERE’S ONE OTHER THING
THEY’RE KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE: NOBODY LIKES IT. CONSERVATIVES ARE CALLING IT
“OBAMACARE LITE.” GREAT TASTE, LESS COVERAGE,
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHILE– MEANWHILE– SEE, THAT’S THE CONSERVATIVES. CONSERVATIVES DON’T CARE FOR IT. MEANWHILE DEMOCRATS ARE UNHAPPY
BECAUSE EXPERTS ESTIMATE THIS WILL COVER 20 MILLION FEWER
AMERICANS THAN OBAMACARE.>>Audience: BOOOO!>>Stephen: PRETTY ROUGH. 20 MILLION FEWER THAN OBAMA. THAT SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP’S
INAUGURATION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M HONORED. SPEAKING OF WHICH– THIS IS
TRUE– BECAUSE OF A FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST,
THE PARKS SERVICE WERE FORCED TO RELEASE ALL OF THE PHOTOS THEY
TOOK AT TRUMP’S INAUGURATION, BEFORE WE WERE ONLY SEEING PART
OF THE PHOTO. WE WEREN’T SEEING EVERYTHING
FROM THE CAPITOL TO THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. THE PHOTOS CAME OUT TODAY. AND IT’S WORSE THAN TRUMP
FEARED. JIM, CAN WE PUT IT UP NEXT
TO OBAMA’S? HERE’S OBAMA, AND HERE’S TRUMP. THAT– THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE
THE BEFORE-AND- AFTER PHOTOS IN AN AD FOR ORKIN. THE POINT IS, 20 MILLION IS A
LOT OF PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE. I DON’T KNOW ANYBODY WHO WOULD
BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. ♪ ♪ ♪
OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, GO ON, THAT’S ENOUGH. GO ON. I WILL SEE YOU– I WILL SEE YOU
IN 70 YEARS! ( LAUGHTER )
HE’S A GOOD GUY. YOU’D LIKE HIM. WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH, WE’RE ALL GOING TO
DIE. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE OTHER DIFFERENCES IS THAT TRUMPCARE REPLACES FEDERAL
INSURANCE SUBSIDIES WITH TAX CREDITS. SO EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE
FINE, BUT YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR COLONOSCOPY AT H&R BLOCK
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I CAN IMAGINE WHAT A LOT OF
YOU OUT THERE– YOU GUYS OUT THERE, I’M SURE, AND EVERYBODY
OUT THERE IS WORRYING. YOU’RE SAYING TO YOURSELF:
“HOW IS THIS GOING TO AFFECT SUPER WEALTHY INSURANCE
COMPANY EXECUTIVES?” WELL, GOOD NEWS,
THE PLAN INCLUDES A TAX BREAK FOR INSURANCE COMPANY EXECUTIVES
MAKING OVER $500,000 A YEAR. ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
SO ALL OF THEM? ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF TAXES, THE BILL ALSO REPEALS THE 10% TAX ON INDOOR
TANNING. OH, GOOD. DONALD TRUMP CAN FINALLY GO THE
FULL TANDOORI. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OH, HIS MEAT. SO JUICY.>>Jon: A LITTLE TANDOORI
CHICKEN.>>Stephen: HIS MEAT IS GOING
TO FALL RIGHT OFF THE BONE. YOGURT SAUCE, FANTASTIC. AND THEN THERE’S THE WEIRD FACT
THAT IN A 66-PAGE DOCUMENT, THAT’S WHAT THEY RELEASED, A
66-PAGE PLAN– SEVEN OF THOSE PAGES ARE ABOUT
DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY WINNERS. OVER 10% OF IT IS JUST ABOUT
DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY WINNERS, WHICH IS SHOCKING. IF ANYTHING, TRUMP SHOULD
EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE HANDED A BUNCH OF MONEY THEY
DIDN’T EARN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE WAS BORN– HE WAS BORN WITH A LOTTO TICKET IN HIS HAND.>>Jon: THAT WAS NICE.>>Stephen: NOW, FOR FISCAL
CONSERVATIVES, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS WHAT WILL
THIS ALL COST? WELL, THE NUMBERS IN, AND IT’S
APPROXIMATELY 3.4, WE HAVE NO (BLEEP) IDEAS, BECAUSE THE
REPUBLICANS RELEASED THIS BILL WITHOUT ESTIMATES OF ITS COST
FROM THE CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE. SO THE BILL WILL BE LIKE THOSE
FANCY RESTAURANTS WHERE THEY DON’T
HAVE WHAT IT COSTS ON THE MENU. “HMM, WHAT’S THE HEART SURGERY? MARKET PRICE. I’LL JUST STUFF MY CHEST CAVITY
WITH BREAD. THANK YOU.” REPUBLICANS DEFENDED THE PLAN. HERE’S OREGON CONGRESSMAN GREG
WALDEN:>>WE’RE LIKE THE AMBULANCE CREW
THAT SHOWED UP AT THE SCENE OF THE WRECK. WE’RE HERE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS
AND HEAL THE PATIENTS.>>Stephen: THAT’S NOT QUITE IT. IT’S MORE LIKE AN AMBULANCE CREW
THAT HATES THE PREVIOUS AMBULANCE CREW SO MUCH THAT THEY
RIP THE PATIENTS OUT OF THAT AMBULANCE AND PUT THEM IN THEIR
OWN AMBULANCE, WHICH THEY ARE STILL BUILDING. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )( CHEERS )
NOW, THE BURDEN OF THESE CHANGES
FALLS MOSTLY ON THE WORKING
POOR, WHO GOT SOME ADVICE FROM UTAH CONGRESSMAN AND CAPTAIN OF
THE BAD TEAM FROM “THE MIGHTY DUCKS”– JASON CHAFFETZ.>>AND YOU KNOW WHAT? AMERICANS HAVE CHOICES, AND
THEY’VE GOT TO MAKE A CHOICE. AND SO MAYBE RATHER THAN GETTING
THAT NEW iPHONE THAT THEY JUST LOVE AND WANT TO GO SPEND
HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON THAT, MAYBE THEY SHOULD INVEST IN
THEIR OWN HEALTH CARE.>>Stephen: YEAH, THE AVERAGE
COST OF HEALTH INSURANCE FOR A FAMILY IS $25,000 SO, POOR
FOLKS, JUST STOP BUYING 33 iPHONES EVERY YEAR. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S THAT SIMPLE. ( APPLAUSE )
iPHONE FANS. BIG iPHONE FANS. AND TODAY, SEAN SPICER ANSWERED
QUESTIONS ABOUT TRUMPCARE AT THE DAILY WHITE HOUSE SHOW-AND-TELL.>>THESE OVER 974 PAGES THAT
WERE PASSED, AND THEN WE WERE TOLD WE HAD TO READ THEM. OUR PLAN, IN FAR FEWER PAGES,
123, MUCH SMALLER, MUCH BIGGER. LOOK AT THE SIZE. THIS IS THE DEMOCRATS. THIS IS US. THERE IS– I MEAN, YOU CAN’T GET
ANY CLEARER IN TERMS OF THIS IS GOVERNMENT. THIS IS NOT.>>Stephen: YES. WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING
ANYTHING DOWN, SHORTER IS ALWAYS BETTER. THAT’S WHY “MOBY DICK” IS MUCH,
MUCH WORSE THAN THE INSTRUCTION BOOK THAT COMES WITH YOUR RICE
COOKER. ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, IF SHORTER IS BETTER, WHY NOT JUST A ONE-AGE PLAN THAT
JUST SAYS, “WALK IT OFF.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ WALK IT OFF ♪>>Stephen, OF COURSE, THE
OTHER BIG STORY TODAY IS THAT TRUMP’S B.F.F.s OVER AT
WIKILEAKS TOOK A WIKIDUMP ON THE C.I.A. THEY RELEASED 8,000 PAGES OF
DOCUMENTS DETAILING THE AGENCY’S CYBER-SPYING POWERS, PROVING THE
C.I.A. IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING, EXCEPT KEEPING A SECRET. ( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU KNOW WHO I WANT TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS? GENERAL MICHAEL HAYDEN WHO WILL
BE ON HERE LATER IN THE SHOW. HE WAS IN THE C.I.A. AND N.S.A. HE’LL HAVE A THING OR TWO TO SAY
ABOUT THIS AND THE WHOLE THING, THE TRUMP THING, TOO. THERE ARE SOME CRAZY REVELATION
IN ADDITION THIS WIKILEAKS DUMP. THE C.I.A. APPARENTLY HAS A
PROGRAM CODE NAMED “WEEPING ANGEL,” WHICH USES SAMSUNG SMART
TELEVISIONS AS COVERT LISTENING DEVICES. EVEN WHEN THEY APPEAR TO BE
TURNED OFF, THE TV COULD BE RECORDING CONVERSATIONS IN THE
ROOM AND SENDING THEM TO A C.I.A. SERVER. OH, MY GOD. THIS IS TRUE– I HAVE ALL
SAMSUNG TVs IN MY HOUSE. AND THAT MEANS THE CIA HAS
HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF ME LOOKING FOR THE REMOTE. WHERE IS IT? WHAT IS– WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT! WHO TOOK IT? WHO TOOK IT! WHO TOOK IT TO THE KITCHEN! I ALSO WATCH NUDE, SO THEY’RE
GETTING A GREAT SHOT HERE. WHO TOOK–
>>Jon: THE MOON.>>Stephen: THAT JOKE IS BASED
ON A TRUE STORY. AND DON’T THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU
VICTIM ANTIVIRUS OR PROTECTION SOFTWARE YOU ARE SAFE. BECAUSE ONE OF THE WIKILEAKED
DOCUMENTS DESCRIBES A FLAW IN SECURITY SOFTWARE MADE BY THE
COMPANY COMODO AS “A GAPING HOLE OF DOOM.” ( LAUGHTER )
WHICH I BELIEVE IS ALSO WHAT THE REPUBLICANS ARE CALLING THEIR
OBAMACARE REPLACEMENT. CHOPPER CHEAPER SPEAKING–
>>Jon: THAT’S A GREAT CALL.>>Stephen: MEANWHILE, THE
WHITE HOUSE REOPENED FOR TOURS TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE
THE INAUGURATION, AND ONE TOUR GROUP WAS SURPRISED WITH AN
APPEARANCE BY DONALD TRUMP! HI-YA! WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN? HEY, YAY! HE LEARNED THAT– THIS MOVE–
THIS MOVE RIGHT THERE, YA! HE LEARNED THAT MOVE– HE
LEARNED THAT MOVE FROM THE DRESSING ROOMS OF THE MISS
U.S.A. PAGEANT. WHO’S NAKED! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT JOKE IS ALSO BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
SAD TO SAY. AND ROLL THIS AGAIN, JIMMY. LOOK AT WHOSE PAINTING HE’S
STANDING IN FRONT OF– HILLARY CLINTON. WOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS AWKWARD. APPARENTLY, PRESIDENTIAL
PORTRAITS ARE COMMISSIONED BASED ON THE POPULAR VOTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: HE’S COMING OUT SWINGING!>>Stephen: NOW, WHILE HE WAS
THERE, THE PRESIDENT SINGLED OUT ONE YOUNG MEMBER OF THE TOUR FOR
A PAT ON THE BACK, HOPEFULLY, INSPIRING THAT YOUNG MAN TO
BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY HE, TOO, COULD GROW UP TO DO ANYTHING FOR
ATTENTION.