10 Tips For a Successful Relationship – Teal Swan

10 Tips For a Successful Relationship – Teal Swan


Hallo everyone, relationships are the heart of expansion they are the most contrasting experiences in our life. Meaning they cause the greatest joy and also the greatest suffering. There are other means for our personal expansion and as such, in our relationships, we need to learn how to allow for that change, any kind of personal evolution needs change. So to have a harmonious relationship, we need to learn how to evolve together. instead of evolve apart. Another way of saying this is that we need to find a way to cultivate harmony while allowing that change to take place talk about difficult what we are talking about is unconditional love and unconditional love is an exchangeable concept with alignment. So we may practice unconditional love the art of finding it for lifetime upon lifetime is the practice even for those of us who are the most of all on the planet. I compiled an itemized list of the most important keys or tips for helping that harmony take place, you can this but if you have a successful relationship, whether this relationship is romantic in nature or photonic in nature. Step one cultivate unconditional love instead of attachment. What most of the people call love or fall in love, is not actually love, it’s attachment. Unconditional love, is the state of being purely positively focused in an attitude of appreciation for something that we’re paying attention to. It means that in this moment I’m purely focused on that which I enjoy looking at relative to you. That’s much different than what we actually call love on a normal day to day basis in the society. What we’re calling love, which is actually attachment, is the need for another person. What that means is, you fulfill some need which I don’t feel capable of fulfilling for myself and so I feel a void when you’re not around because the absence of you means that need will be unfulfilled. And thus my happiness is dependent on what you do and don’t do. That is attachment that’s not actual unconditional love. We will lead happier lives if we can get into the modality of unconditional love and provide our needs for ourselves, we find that there’re healthy ways so that we can [xx] seeking them through other people. Now, before you go ahead and feel bad about yourself because you you haven’t mastered this yet. I want you to stop and think for a minute how many people do actually know that if mastered unconditional love? People who can remove their own happiness from what other people do or don’t do to them to afford them, no one right? Myself included, I actually don’t know or a single person incarnated on this earth who is in an aspect of unconditional love 24 hours a day and even those who I know who’re pretty good at culturing that botanical relationship still have not have mastered it when it comes to romantic relationships so no more expecting yourself to reach some level of perfection, this is a practice, it’s a practice for every single one of us, no matter how involved you think you are you still got more to go when it comes to unconditional love. I want to be very clear that this does not mean that you need to learn how to stay in a relationship with people who harm you or who you don’t actually feel enjoyment by being around just for the sake of learning how to unconditionally love because this is not unconditional loving to yourself, it simply means you can only know unconditional love when that love and your happiness is not conditional upon what other people do or don’t do we cultivate unconditional love in the state of non-attachment by providing that love for our selves and by providing needs for ourselves and by finding ways to make ourselves happy, separate of what other person in our experience does or does not do. All spiritual practice is dedicated towards discovering how to unconditionally love every single thing you do that gets you more happiness, every single thing you do that brings you more peace, everything that in the spiritual self help guru type is going to teach you, it’s going to hep you come into contact with learning how to unconditionally love. So like I said, your quest towards enlightenment is the same thing as the quest towards unconditionally loving, so literally anything you do that benefits your life is going to be helping you to match this particular tip of  unconditional love versus attachment when it comes to culturing successful relationships Tip number two, cultivate love for yourself. Your relationships are nothing more than a mirror of the relationship you have with yourself. It is impossible for you to be in any relationship that is not an exact mirror of some aspect of your relationship with you, so if you improve the relationship with you, all of your relationships externally are going to change to match that new improved state of attitude that you hold towards yourself. So if you want to start having better relationships, you’ve got to start thinking thoughts, saying things and taking actions which are in alignment with self love which are in alignment with your highest good. At the heart of every major relationship problem is a problem between you and yourself. When self concept is damaged, your relationships be sure of damaged as well and nothing works faster to improve your relationships than improving your quality and quantity of love for yourself. I have written a book about how to love yourself which is currently seeking a publisher but many self help guru type talk about how to love yourself, they talk about how to go about doing things in life structuring the way you are thinking differently, so you can be more self loving. I would try any and all of them that you can find because, it never hurts to try something, you just might find something that works. Tip number three, work to discover and to release your fears related to relationships. There is nothing that damages relationship or your life experience in general more so than fear, and there is not a single human being incarnated on this planet that does not have some kind of fear relative to relationships and relative to love. You might have heard the expression, we are all fools in love. There is an actual biological reason why. Human are born about three month premature, If we were born completely developed the way that other mammals are we would not be able to fit through the mother’s birth canal. Because we are born immature, we have absolutely no way of meeting our need in the first few months of life, and so our survival is entirely dependant on our care givers. More than that, our survival is entirely dependent on our care givers loving us. The first thing we learn in our lives is that if our care givers do not love us, our needs will not be met and we will eventually die. Because of this, it becomes very important that we do anything we can do to get loved because our brain, which is of course the organ in charge of ensuring our survival, equates love to survival. The sympathetic nervous system is in charge of our survival response. The part of our brain called the hypothalamus, which is a primitive part of the brain, triggers our sympathetic nervous system to react when it perceives danger. We call this reaction the Fighter Flight Response. The Fighter Flight Response is an intelligent design as far as evolution is concerned because it enables us to jump out of the way even on an oncoming car in a split seconds, as opposed to using a more volt rational processes to asses whether something is in fact a danger to us. If we were to use that part of our brain that’s in charge of  rational process to assess whether something was a danger before reacting, we would end up getting hit by an oncoming car for example because if we take longer to asses the situation, then we take for the oncoming car to actually hit us. Hypothalamus accomplishes this by hijacking the rest of the brain. It releases signals that over-rates the parts of our brains that are in charge of reasoning such as the cortex. The parts of our brain that are in charge of reasoning are the parts that we associate with intelligence. But those parts of our brain are not parts that are in charge of our behaviors and actions when our survival is threatened. Only the most primitive part of our brain are in charge of our behaviors and actions when our survival is threatened. So what does this mean for humans love? Because humans harbour a deep sea to association between love and survival, when we feel as if we need love for someone, suddenly our survival mechanisms are triggered. The part of our brain that begins to rule relative to the object of our love is our primitive brain. When our primitive brain is in charge of our behaviors and actions, we can no longer remain rational relative to whatever we want love from.  Our evolution has primed us to act for survival before we act for logic our thinking mind is incapacitated and when we feel threatened with the possibility of losing love our bodies react as if our survival is being threatened, in other words when it seems as if we can lose love we biochemically react in similar ways to how we would react if we were being held under water. I realized it’s frustrating but it is part of the original intention you came into the experience which we call human versus another animal, is because that contrast you knew would benefit your expansion. But that being said, discovering and releasing your fears is totally essential when it comes to learning how to have good relationships and how to unconditionally love. Becoming aware of our fears is the first step and thinking better thoughts relative to our fears is the second step. My favorite process for this particular stuff, is Byron Katie’s process called The Work. It’s all about questioning the thoughts which cause us stress. So if I were you, and I was dealing with a lot of for us relatives to my fears and relationships, I would use that process. Tip number four.communicate completely. You can’t be in a successful relationship and withhold any aspect of yourself. That’s sort of like expecting somebody to love someone who isn’t even present in the room. It’s become kind of a trite saying, communication is key in relationships but it doesn’t make it any less true, communication is key in relationships, you can only make sure that the needs and wants if you know who the hell you are in a relationship with. You’ll only meet somebody’s needs and wants if you know how someone is feeling. Last week I did a video called, how to express your emotions. This video presented a process which is totally amazing when it comes to having good relationships. It teaches you how to express the complete truth of how you are feeling, to your partner. as well as yourself. If you don’t feel capable of expressing yourself verbally to your partner, then learn how to write a letter to your partner. Any kind of expression is absolutely paramount if you ever define the meeting of mine as I’m concerned, the best way to have a successful relationship, is to find a meeting of minds. Tip number five, stay on in page, our relationships in every other experience in our life is meant to do one thing and that is to inspire us, towards the preference to inspire us towards a new desire, towards new things which we want. I think that this will relationships. Any relations you get in will give rise to new desires for relationships within you, and your happiness on this planet is depended upon you keeping up with those new desires and you finding alignment with them and allowing them. What that means is you can’t stay in a relationship and be happy unless the relationship itself molds to match that new desire, unless the relationship itself is the thing that is evolving. The only hope for us keeping our relationship together long term is if those relationships become the new things we desire, this is true for everyone involved in relationship. If that’s not the case, the universe itself will separate you, or else you’ll separate yourself from your own joy set of degree will manifest in illness, and you will die. this does not mean that your partner has to change to match your new desires, or that she have to change to match theirs. If it is not all so in the interest of your partner to change and evolve in accordance to your new desires or for you evolve in accordance with theirs. The relationship has run it’s course. we’re not meant to come here and be bonded to someone forever, we’re meant to follow our individuals bliss and what the universe line us up with someone who with some match develop list, and if it is our desire to experience a life long love with someone, and you’re able to align yourself with that desire, by of course thinking thoughts which allow that desire to come into fruition I promise you the universe will align you with someone who can stay a match to you totality of your life, the law of attraction is managing and bringing together with relationships that serve your expansion at the very most for the moment that you are in, this means you can trust the universe to align you with someone who is matches your positive aspects and also fabulous match to all your not so positive aspects it’s a great way of looking in a mirror there is not bigger mirror than relationships, it’s a good idea in relationship to sit down and in every 6 months, you can do it more often, but every 6 months at least to sit down and read a complete list of what you want and what you need and then both partners come together and they compare that list and they ask insult honestly not dishonestly, those other persons desires align with my desires and my wants or do they go in the opposite direction then, if the girl is in opposite direction of it we cannot have persons at the same time that is absolute and so its time to restructure the relationship and open it up to allow both of you to go on the direction of your own individual beliefs. And that could potentially mean, not together. However if you compare this list and it seems as if they are compatible, then you can sit down as a couple and think about ways which you can help enable each other to meet those needs together while staying in a relationship. Tip number six, do not get specific about who you want to be in a relationship with. That limits the universe. When you’re thinking about the things you want, the way you want to feel or when you are doing visualization is relative to what you want. You want to think about the feeling space of being the perfect partner. You don’t want to think about the who because thinking about the who makes it so the universe can only operate through that who and that’s a problem because the universe is unlimited and as it is. When you ask the universe to provide you with a partner that feels amazing to be around amplifies the best aspect of who you are. The universe has let’s say 7 billion people to work with. That’s a lot of So, it goes far. For me to say I want that to be Jill or Joe your’re to have to come through a point that is as big as this straw. It now has to exclude the rest of its resources only include this amount and bring you what you’ve asked for through the venue of that one person. That’s especially an issue that one person is not the for what you’ve asked for then it’s most likely that it won’t even come to proition[sp?] because the universe will continually trying and trying to bring it together but you’re not actually a vibrational match. That’s what you’ve asked for. It’s not actually going to come through that one person. I understand in relationships we’ve all gotten to this point where we think that our happiness can only be satisfied through this one person that we keep dreaming about that we’re totally obsessed with but then you let it go to the degree that you’re able to find somebody new and you date them and three months down the road, a year down the road you’re going I can’t believe I was ever in a relationship with that person I’m so glad that I’m not with him anymore. I never knew it could be this good. Just because you don’t currently see the possibility of the universe drawing to you someone who’s better than the person you’re currently want to be with doesn’t mean that person doesn’t exist. Tip number seven start to recognize and begin to heal your love reincarnations what I mean by love reincarnations is that people tend to find love situations and life situations which mirror their first expectation of love, and your first expectation of how love should look and should feel is your home environment so if you had an healthy situations in your upbringing relative to love you’re very likely to continues to find yourself in the same circumstances in the same circumstance, hence many of abused women continue to find abusive spouses once when reach a certain age were they’ll be getting to date we find people and we find friends that mirror the relationships that we had when we were children with the first people which we came to love. Good news if you had a super healthy up bringing not so good news if your upbringing was not so great. I’m going to explain this concept of love incarnation to you now this truth about love reincarnation is especially allowed if you allow yourself to make a list of all the aspects that you hated about your father and all the aspects that you hated mother or primary care givers. Then you want to write a list of all the things you hate about all the primary relationships you’ve had in your life and then I want you to compare the list between each significant relationships and between you primary care givers as a child. And I want you to pick out the similarities, you’ll start to see a pattern, what you’ll start to see is that you hate the same things about your partners, and your friends that you hated about your primary relationship with your parents or care givers. That sort of love relationship set you up for an expectation in all of the rest of your relationships. What you’ll find is that you are primarily reincarnating the parent relationship that you had which was the least satisfying in terms of love. So if you had a parent or care giver, one of your primary relationship that you felt you did not get the kind of love you needed from, you will continue to try to reincarnate that over and over again because your brain is a self healing mechanism. It will try to get the kind of love that it needed from the kind of person that it thinks it needs it from. So for example, if I didn’t get the love I needed from daddy, I’m going to keep trying to find men like daddy and get the kind of love from them that I needed as a child, and by doing so I will have solved my relationship with daddy. That’s what our brains are trying to do. I want to give you an example from my own personal life. Most women who have been through traumatic situations as children will love reincarnate an abuser. My situation was a little bit different because my abuser was not my parents, it was someone outside of the family. And the love I didn’t get primarily from my father was the love that a kid could call protection. So I had an incredibly passive father. By passive I mean really passive I have never seen this man get angry one time in his life and so I didn’t feel protected and therefore loved by my father, so what do I do in relationships? I find men who are super, super passive and ten I try to manufacture all kinds of situations that make it look like I’m in and need rescue because subconsciously I’m trying to find someone like my father but get someone like my father to rescue me and by virtue of that, some part of my child hood itself feel like daddy rescued me which is what I always wanted, relative to love when I was a child want to do when you discover your love incarnations is to ask yourself what is it exactly that I am trying to get from this person? What is it that I am trying to derive out of this relationship and then provide those things for yourself so you no longer need them to come through another person. Being aware of this of levering incarnations helps them transmit what you’ll find so that eventually you don’t attract the same partners. Tip number eight what to change the decisions that you’ve made based on experiences that you’ve had as well as the actions of those decisions cause you to carry out. To do this you want to think about the situation that wounded you You want to think about what decision you made about love based on that experience. Then you want to think about what choices and actions you’re taking in the day to day wife because of that decision that you made about love. For example, my first girlfriend was close with me and then one day suddenly decided that she wanted to be friends through the more popular growing schools, so she made fun of me, said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. The decision that I made based on that experience was, I can’t trust my friends to be loyal. As a result of this, the actions I take in my life, is that I keep friends through the norms link because I am always waiting for them to abandon me. I do not let people know me, and so most people leave me because they don’t feel like I even like them. Another example my mother was a clean freak, and had to control everything about my wife. The decision I made based on that, is that I have to be perfect or else no one will love As a result, I am a waste trying to please other people, and I often find myself falling in love with people like my mother who can not be pleased, and you’re hypercritical of my every move. Another example is, I was molested by a member of my family, the decision I made based on that is, I am worthless, and the people I love will use me because of it. As a result of this, I can see how this led to me becoming a stripper. I don’t love although I make good me, the way I think about it, my job now revolves around men using me for their pleasure. I have made a video in the past called ‘how to change your belief’. You can apply these believes, which you form these decisions about love, to that process and will help you to release resistance to that belief, it’ll help you to change it. On top of that, changing the belief, you want also take different actions in you life so for example if you believe in the previous scenario that the people who love you will use you, then that’s the belief that you want to start to change, but you also want to look in you life in the ways that you have been taking actions in accordance with that belief, for For example, I became a stripper and now men use me for a living. And you want to start changing that, so maybe it’s time to start looking for a job where you don’t put yourself in a situation to get used by men everyday. Tip number nine, ask for what you want and need this may in contradiction to what we said earlier about how important it is for you to provide yourself with things that make you happy, for you to provide yourself with love because as we know, when someone else holds the key to your love or what you need, they are in control. You are no longer control, but it actually isn’t a contradiction because even though you may be looking at someone else and asking them for what you want and need you’re actually asking the universe what you want to need and maybe those need and wants will come through the person that you’re asking or maybe they’ll come through someone else. Free will wasn’t absolute, so don’t worry about someone else trying to provide something for you that they don’t actually want to provide. It won’t ever work, that will unravel in the end to be able to go sideways of who they truly are enough to provide things for you that they don’t actually want to provide for you. But the universe has the limited resources to deliver you the exact criteria you’ve asked for, for your one’s need and happiness. Asking for what we want and need is to ensure that we’re not starved emotionally in our relationships. We don’t all have ESP relative to relationships. I know most of us  expect our partners to know exactly what we want and need and to deliver it without us even asking. But that’s not realistic, it’s not kind of ourselves or them. People want to love you. They just don’t know how and unless you tell them what you want and need, you are not going to get anywhere, you’re just going to build a lot of resentment relative to relationships. You will build up extreme levels of resentment, if you remain committed to being in a relationship but simultaneously you expect, that you were once the needs will not be met that you will be unsatisfied for the rest of your life, and that’s also the key to having a court open relationship, where you care more about staying together, than you care about actually being happy and I promise you either way one or both of you will eventually stray, and find some other way to meet those needs and wants, if they’re not coming through the relationship itself. I want to give a personal example of how this worked in my life. I’m not very good at asking people to help me with anything. I’m not really good at letting them into my life, so when I have a bad day I’m more used to going up stairs locking myself in a room, and doing some kind of process that will pull me out of mentality than I’m at calling my friends and telling them what’s going on in my life, but it just so happened this last year I formed a incredibly intense relationship a really close relationship with a friend of mine, who happens to be a female you saw earlier in the video were I demonstrated Healing Work. Her name is [xx] 11. Her love language is words of affirmation, what that means is she feels like her needs and wants are met in relationship when someone is putting effort to communicate who they’re and what they love about the relationship, and just calling once in a while to say hey this is what’s going on with me I care about you enough to let you in so of course, because I wasn’t doing that in this relationship, there were some rocks. So one day, she ended up coming over and she had the balls to say look Teal I don’t feel like this is a really great relationship because I don’t even feel like I’m participating. You never call me when you have problems, you never tell me what’s going on in your life, and you don’t ever tell me whether I’m doing something good or not good. So, I realized at that moment that her needs were not being met relative to something I could change very quickly and wanted to because it’s going to benefit me it’ll learn how to speak this love language. And so, I began making it sort of deliberate practice out of every time that I experience something, good or bad, I just send her a text message or pick up the phone and express what was going on in my life. I can’t even tell you how much our relationship improved based on that one change which would never have taken place if she didn’t tell me what she needed or wanted. Tip 10, and this is the final tip. feed people love every single day, by feeding them the three A’s. Number one, attention, which means find time each day to give them a bit time of your undivided attention. Two, affection, find time each to show them a little bit of affection. Three appreciation, find time each day to give them some verbal gratitude, or some kind of verbal validation. These three A’s are how to feed a relationship with love on a daily basis, if this doesn’t come naturally to you to just show your love in this way, then what I want you to do is to pick a random interval during the day, set your own alarm clock so will go off throughout the day and when the alarm clock goes off, look over those three A’s and pick something that’s in accordance with one of those As that you can do to express some kind of love to the person or people in your life. So maybe the timer goes off and you send a text message maybe the tummer goes off and you walk into the room where your partner is and you put your hand on your head or you give him a kiss. or maybe you write a love letter or maybe you bring him home a gift. Whatever it is that you choose to do throughout the day you want to make sure that you’re doing them. When we starve our relationships is when we stop doing them. We work 24hours a day so we are never around our partner we may never learn to tell them what we love about them we just assume they should know. This kind of things which we do stuff towards our relationships. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve for 4 years it’s time to go downstairs and punk your way or your husband’s. That being said it’s really that we learn the five languages of love. There is a man named Gary Chapman who worked as a marriage counselor for years years and he was really interested in finding out what made relationships work. And so he studied human interaction and found out that no matter what continent you’re on, no matter what race race you are, humans have five basic ways that they express love to each other. And the five basic ways are these: Words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time and gifts. Now ideally we would speak every single one of these languages. We come in actually knowing how to speak all of these languages, but our situations growing up, tell us which ways are appropriate and which ways are not appropriate to express our love to other people. But we all come in with a primary love language, that means it’s our strongest way that we feel and usually give love. Mine for example is gifts. Now the idea goes but if you want to be in a happy relationship with someone, you got to figure out what their primary love language is and meet that love language, you have to learn how to speak it, and I’m in complete the grieves with this. You need to speak the persons love language that you’re in a relationship with regardless of whether that’s a romantic or friendship relationship. It’s a lot easier than expecting them to come out of their love language and to start speaking your love language. We can learn to speak every single one of them and like I said that’s ideal, but it’s OK to ask people that are in a relationship with you to show you love in the language you speak the most frequently, and the most fluently. So find out what your love language is and pay close attention to the people that you’re in relationships with in your life to try to find out how it is that they receive love. Because you may be trying to show them love inside your love language, and that’s not even a language they currently speak, this is why for example you You all know Blake, Blake is the one that lives with me. Blake’s love language is service. So constantly, all day long you’ll watch him he’s milling around the house and he’s doing dishes and he’s doing projects. And for a long time, I always felt like Blake didn’t love me, and I was frustrated and constantly why? I don’t speak the love language of service at all. To me, dishes just have to be done. So if someone does them, it’s not an act of love, it’s just because they need to be done. So I was missing the fact that Blake was trying to show me love all day, everyday. Then I taught him how to speak my love language and I recognized that when he was doing acts  of service out of love, and now I see that it’s one of the most loving relationships I have in my life. It’s amazing what can happen when you start to learn these love languages. Not only that, you’ll start to discover that even your worst enemies are trying to express love to you, but they are trying to express love to you in a way that you don’t receive love, yet. It is my promise that these simple steps will make all the difference in the world. They can turn really crappy relationships that are full of no love currently into blossoming relationships which are serving you and your expansion. So to sign off, I want to thank all of you, for your love and your support and your attention to me. It benefits me greatly and I do want you to know that I love all of you. have a good week.